BRAKEN’ NEWS!  The Peapatch webcam (the picture takin’ machine) broke last week and the tech boy, Heabee Nowan (the one who fixes them kinda things), went in to fix it. He fell in and nobody seen him since. Lum Berjak sed his coon hounds could sniff him out but he cain’t git them dawgs out from under that cabin of his. Iffin anybody knows how we can git ‘em out, or iffin y’all have sum dawgs that are awake, bring ‘em to the pictur shack and sniff out that tek afore sumthin’ else brakes. Iffin y’all have a good idee how to git Heabee out call the Express as quik as y’all kin. He most likely ain’t likin’ it down there.

Your rovin’ reporter, Vaughn Tahnoawl, got word that sum big-time radio operators (they be knowed as hams), are wantin’ to come to Peapatch and talk on their hi-class radios- the kind that makes all them beepin’ noises. Now I don’t know what y’all are a-thinkin’, but we don’t need any of that kinda carryin’ on in this here place. We got our own radio and it does a fine job. Take this feller here tryin’ to pass through this here town. Iffin he didn’t have one of them CB radios, he woulda still been lost. Now, he was a stranger in town, and he got lost cause ‘twas that the Peapatch road crew was puttin’ up new road signs and musta been celebratin’ afore they finished their job.

Ima Ryder, Secretary
and Chief Editor

Remember, tell us your deepest, darkest secrets
and we won’t tell nobody. Our secretary has been
sworn to secrecy and she is a loyal lady.
She don’t tell nobody nothin’ that don’t need to be told.

That be all from Peapatch for today, but last, but not least (now, this is important):
Here is your test to find out iffin y’all will keep livin’ in Peapatch. Iffin y’all fail, you hafta go to Dogpatch and git some more schoolin’.
 
 

TEST YOUR SAVVY OF THINGS PEAPATCH

1. A air-tite is A) trapeze costume  B) rubber overshoe  C) store-bought coffin  D) jar lid
2. A blue tick is A) a  insect B) a food stamp C) a hound dog D) a NRA sticker
3. Before it is fit to drink, moonshine must be A) aged 3 months B) aged 3 weeks C) aged 3 days D) cool
4. The most successful method for catching catfish is A) gigging B) setting a trot line C) dynamiting D) creating electric shock with two pokers and a car battery
5. Red Rover Come Over refers to A) Communist turned Republican B) children’s game C) neighbor’s dog D) quilt pattern
6. Little Jimmy Dickens is famous for A) Take an Old Cold Tater and Wait B) There Stands the Glass C) Blue-eyed Elaine You’re the Sweetest Thing D) Honky Tonk Angel
7. A gee-haw-whinny-diddle is a A) good time B) harness for a work horse C) toy D) type of persimmon
8. A happy-pappy is A) a paw-paw B) the father of twins C) a good governor D) working for AFDC-WE&T
9. Before cooking a three-year-old groundhog, it is first necessary to A) remove his armpit kernels B) soak him for 24 hours, changing the water three times C) lay him out on a pine plank D) prepare a mess of sweetbreads
10. Poke is in a class with A) ramps B) yellow root C) sassafrass D) watercress
11. A poke store is where you get A) poke B) molly-grub C) government whiskey D) ginseng bags
12. An asafetida bag is A) style of asafetida B) nostrum for colds C) strainer for blinky milk D) stocking cap
13. In the song John Henry drove A) like sixty B) like the wind C) a herd of rhyby cattle D) till his poor heart broke
14. When do you put new wood shingles on a roof A) in the light of the moon B) in April C) not if you can help it D) not at all
15. A pig-twist auger is A) joy cutting machine B) chewing tobacco C) a bit supported by the chest D) a bad sign